Yankee Diary

May 30th:
Just moved to Mississippi... Now this is a place where folks know how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from the Reservoir lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun on the water everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with Western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, though... Getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson the hard way. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Fluffy (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, poor cat had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and catsh*t. I learned my lesson, no more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as he*l. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to stop by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now; $1,500 house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th:
It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner repaired today. It cost $500 and gets the house temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes it feel like about 95. Stupid repairman urinated in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

August 8th:
If another wise a*s cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle him. Dam* heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my rear was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried rear, and baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week!! Doesn't it ever rain in this god-forsaken place?? Water rationing will be next, so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the dam* pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

August 15th:
Welcome to H*LL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

Bless His Heart